Creating More Scars
by Lied89
Summary: Kate is going to be married, but sometimes in the quiet of her room, she doesn't know what's right and wrong for her anymore. Betty and Kate end up in a delicate, fragile situation.
1. Betty

**Note:**  
_I imagine this takes place some time after ~209. What didn't happen is that the police found Kate and Betty. What did happen is that Kate and Ivan are engaged and are going to be married soon. More you'll find out once you read the story ;)_

**_Further Note:_**  
_This is not how I necessarily see the show play out or how I think it should have gone. It's not even how I would like it to have gone. It's just one of many possibilities. Originally part of the dialogue was written for a kind of sweet scene that was meant to go without much background, but instead was only supposed to show Betty+Kate finally having come together in peace after walking their own ways, but apparently I can't write fluff and my typing-fingers too easily become possessed by angsty matters ... so, sorry for that! lol This doesn't mean this story is filled with angst, but it has a darker, more ambivalent tone to it than I originally intended. This long blabla also tells you that I'm not 100% satisfied with this, but I rarely am ;D _

_Anyway, hope you enjoy this and leave me some feedback. __3 or 4 parts lay ahead of us_ :)

_**At last:**  
Thank you to my Beta, who I deeply appreciate!**  
**_

* * *

**Creating more Scars - Part 1**

Slowing hot breaths meeting nipping eager air - the room was scarcely lit and cold, but under the blanket, with two bodies no less, it was warm. Only that, with the time passing, the second body was seemingly lying further and further away, when just a few minutes ago it had been thriving right beneath her – so close, stifled moans caressing her ear. Now it wasn't and she was getting cold. But then again, when the rush ebbed and the blush subsided, it always felt colder than before.

It had been gentler this time. It didn't feel like the other woman needed to prove something to herself, to desperately explore something for her sanity. And, as a plus, this time she had gotten to touch her, too. Having her be unsure but determined had been exciting and surprising, but having her be open, attentive and patient felt more comfortable for the long run - while still being very exciting. This time it had felt more like something for the long run - and that made Betty think.

It was the second time. Betty still was not sure exactly how it had happened, but here she was, lying in bed with Kate Andrews - again. This couldn't be called a one-off anymore, nor fluctuation. No. This was pretty much real. And if this continued, she would have to send a search party for her sanity, because this was really not the type of gal she wanted to be. Betty didn't want to be the gal someone cheated on with. Ivan was a good man, and she was kind of good - and pretty honest, leaving out the few major things in her life that she simply could not be honest about, too.

But how could she have stopped herself? Teresa was gone and once Kate knew what she wanted, she always was a fire not to be stopped – if she wanted to be a singer, she was going to be a singer, and if she wanted to kiss a girl, then … well. If Betty had said no, Kate might have never spoken to her about this or acted on it again. It was their secret … and it felt like this was going to be their biggest secret yet.

Lying in bed with the cool air caressing her skin, a certain waiting silence surrounding them, Betty was left wondering once more what they were, how to define this, what had gotten Kate into her bed _this_ time and how to handle the situation.

Should she let Kate do this with her? Just waltzing in whenever it pleased her? Betty felt powerless. When they were close, when there was no outside world, everything seemed so clear and unmistakable. Kate always had these pure, emotion-filled eyes which sliced right through her and seemed to mutely lecture her on how she could ever doubt that Kate really wanted her. Every particle of herself told her that this was it when they were alone, but now - when the flood ebbed, would they go back to being friends _again_? To the smiling and being polite? To the feeling of her throat tightening when Kate smiled … at her fiancée and when she took his hand like nothing was wrong with their world, while just a few nights before, those exact lips, that smiled that innocent, shy smile, had completely robbed Betty's mind by curiously, if not almost wickedly, kissing down her chest?

Betty wouldn't be able to handle it. She barely had been able to handle the newfound silent distance between them after the first time - creating a new castle of boundaries in between the torn walls of their old, worn ones - and making do to live with them. No, she wouldn't be able to handle yet a new set, nor would she be able to handle any more of Gladys' looks that were telling her that she was looking at Kate in all kinds of wrong ways. Gladys' looks that made Betty fear that the mind-reading brunette had an easy access to the deepest parts of her soul and was silently judging her for being hung up on someone who ... who one could debate if she was really good for her.

A frown took over Betty's face – was Kate good for her?

Being left with no explanations about anything, the leftovers of the comforting warmth of Kate's skin slowly vanishing from her own, Betty felt lost. And that was all Kate's doing. A certain frostiness seeped into Betty's veins and grabbed at her thoughts by having Kate be so close and still being so far, making Betty harden and open to walk easy roads, her heart starting to race to a different kind of beat. She wanted Kate to go and never speak of this again. The insides of her chest boiled in rage about the unfairness of having her and not having her at all and she wanted to hate Kate and make Kate leave for doing this with her. Her voice, burnt, stuck in her throat. She wanted to scream, but couldn't. She wanted to throw Kate out of her bed. But most of all she wanted to stop being friends with her.

And in the next second, closing her eyes to the burning hurt, she wanted none of those things anymore. Because Kate was special and made her heart burst, making her feel alive. The things Betty felt for and with Kate were something else, something special. Kate made her feel - and want to feel - all the things she had thought she could never feel. Kate, in some weird, pathetic way made her able to hope – to hope for herself. Kate had turned so many wheels in Betty, that Betty did not even know anymore who she had been before Kate came into her life. And now ... now this … They were lying in bed, naked, where she had always wanted them to be. Just that, nothing was how it was supposed to be.

_"I know I'm with Ivan, but ... - at night, when everything is quiet ... - what I think about is you,"_ Kate had confided the first night after she came to Betty in some kind of pondering, weak, but oh-so-strong, true-to-the-heart moment that came rarely to her nowadays. Grey-blue eyes, shimmering in truth, met hers and Betty had been rendered helpless, after a long time having been able to see again – see the shades of the girl that she had fallen in love with.

_"Betty, before - ... I have to know. I can't go in and - ... not know,"_ Kate had stated, looking at her most intensively before she had leaned in and kissed her, cautiously at first and then unstoppably fierce, making sure to express that it was no game.

Oh, what Kate could do to her with just a few words ... or none at all ...

Betty saw and understood now, better and worse than before, that Kate was struggling - on so many levels. Betty understood, too, that Kate was anything but safe for her. But she could not judge or blame her. Betty knew that she herself was not doing the right thing – sleeping with an engaged woman. But when Kate started to look at her like the world might stop existing without her, she would probably always just give in and melt away - let herself be burnt to ash by Kate Andrews, because it was the best feeling in the world. Or at least it was for the moments it lasted.

Betty was startled out of her thoughts when Kate rolled away, over onto her side, turning her back to her. It made some kind of alarm ring in the blonde that made her feel even more abandoned and pathetic than before, her heart aching in pain and longing, remembering that there had not been much words or cuddling after the first time around, though she had wanted and needed nothing more after that way-too-promising feeling of high that Kate had given her.

After about the same amount of time as now had passed, Kate had gotten up, thrown her robe on over her wrinkled nightgown, which she had kept on, and paced a few clumsy lines through Betty's room. Betty had watched somewhat confused, somewhat curious, somewhat worried and very much scared. But Kate had come back to where Betty had lain. Tentatively, she had kissed her forehead, had squeezed her arm and whispered a ridiculously quiet "thank you" before she then had left.

Betty had been stunned until eventually understanding. Kate might have been overwhelmed and needed time. They would clear things up later - or so she had told herself. The next day, Betty believed, Kate had just realized it was not her thing, but still was thankful for her letting her clear that up for both of them anyway … and now it was done.

In the end, either of those would have been fine with Betty. She pretty much had come to terms with it turning out to be the latter one. But what she had not expected was Kate not speaking of it ever again, acting as if nothing unusual had happened, and not paying her any attention, before then coming back today –_ two weeks later_ - with that look in her eyes that told her that actually she might be the _only_ thing that Kate wanted - and that look, that struggling, but still so clear look, Betty had to remember to be able to understand Kate.

Betty attentively followed Kate's movement onto her side, pondering the situation with a frantic beating heart while marveling at Kate's white porcelain skin. She could lose that now without her ever doing anything to stop it. Swallowing a thick lump of apprehension, she decided she could not let it happen this time. She could not just be here and watch. This time she couldn't let herself be too scared that Kate wouldn't want her and would let her fall, because this appearance of nothingness between them hurt enough already.

Betty took a stealing breath in and braved to reach out, not being able to do otherwise as the need of getting the feeling of a connection back won over the fear of rejection. She had to be strong. She could not let Kate get away with it again, letting her slip out and into her other self, allowing it to count as a weak moment, letting her turn their life into a cruel theater play once more. She was worth more than that - and so was Kate.

Betty held her breath. Cautiously first, her fingers touched Kate's back, and before she knew it, she was tracing uneven patterns of skin, intimately following whitened lines. Betty leaned forward - being quickly overwhelmed by the fact that Kate allowed her to touch her most fragile part, and she pressed her nose and lips to the warm, uneven surface in front of her, experiencing some kind of relief as she was able to do so without being pushed away. She exhaled heavily through her nose, letting her breath run over Kate's back.

She wanted this moment to last forever_, _she thought, and she closed her eyes with the biggest hope coursing through her that Kate would just understand.

She could be safe.


	2. Kate

**Creating more Scars - Part 2**

Kate felt pleasantly tired, though her eyes felt bleary and her head felt like it might have been put through a wringer, because of all the thoughts that had coursed through her today and all the days past. But the pleasantness won out as she decided to let it be the only thing crowding her mind at the moment, and she rolled onto her side and closed her eyes, ready to let sleep take her and let her leave the world behind – certain that it still would be there, waiting - lying in wait for her, tomorrow.

But her plan was disturbed and she snapped her eyes open when touches invaded her senses once more after she had thought that it was over. Cautious fingers gently stroked her back in a soft, soothing way that she was unused to. Noticing that they were following a certain path though – a certain pattern of lines - made her tense and alert while her breath picked up. She had to fight against this weird mix of battling feelings - this new found melting-process versus the old known reflex of fearful and ashamed recoiling, and at last, letting one of these noises – those moans - that she was not sure yet if they belonged to her, escape her mouth.

Kate closed her eyes, in suspense of handling her reactions, holding her breath, enduring the caress, in wait of what would happen next.

She gasped when warmth accompanied by wetness captured that one point of her marked skin, making her mind go blank.

Betty's lips tore like fire on Kate's back, causing her to straighten her posture. Kate could never see her scars properly, but she knew that they were there –those places she'd been marked for being sinful, like she was now. With Betty kissing them though, she could feel them - every line etched into her skin - and see them flashing up bright red in front of her closed eyes like a reminder - this sinfulness, this is you.

Had Kate felt warm and fuzzy before, while peripherally working on stubbornly ignoring anything else but the now – wanting nothing more than to let this new fluffy feeling overtake her and let herself drift off to sleep, forgetting about her problems – she was thrown right back into them with Betty's lips finding her skin and cutting her open, letting all her fears boil and rise right back to the surface, overriding the pleasantness much too easily.

Betty's lips managed to strip every bit of her cover away - and it startled her. Suddenly it was only her plain self left and Kate was not used to feeling herself. Overwhelmed by the rather dangerous, hot, tearing feeling, Kate involuntarily moved forward, causing her to lose contact to Betty, making her feel surprisingly raw and open, cold from the chilling air surrounding them and suddenly so aware of being naked … and alone … disconnected from the world.

She had two people who loved her dearly, a bunch of co-workers and friends, and still the way she was now, the person she felt she was in this moment when Betty's lips left her ... she was lonely. Alone in one way-too-big bed, that was actually almost too small for one person already.

Kate shuddered, guilt piercing through. What had she done once again to make it go away? It was so self-serving – and wrong! She had had sex - with Betty. She had let her properly touch her, had given herself away to her, while she herself had a perfectly fine boy - ... man, who she had told just a few nights ago that they should wait until after the wedding to go all the way ... and here she was all the way - with Betty!

The redhead reached out and pulled the blanket, bunched up around their hips, self-consciously up and over her shoulders, her back still tingling from the other woman's lips and the strange familiarity her action had expressed.

And all the while whitened lines silently hummed carved-in, guilt-ridden hymns.

What was wrong with her?

And how far had she let this come?


	3. Confession

**Creating More Scars - Part 3:**

Betty watched Kate tuck the blanket tightly around herself, after she had touched her, and frowned. How could Kate let her touch her in the most intimate way just minutes before, visibly enjoying it, and now scatter from her like she might be the plague? It made Betty shatter inside but she was not yet ready to give up. She was not going to accept having to live her life in constant doubt. She needed an answer.

"I have seen your scars, Kate," Betty reminded as she withdrew her fingers from Kate's skin, using an almost reprimanding tone that made Kate shudder in awareness that there was somebody out there who actually knew her – or was so close to it. Kate's hands tightened around the bunched, drawn-up sheet in front of her chest and she bit her lip, feeling as if soon she had to burst out from her restricting, tense skin in order to survive. Yes, Betty had seen her scars, but did she really know what they meant? Die she know the daily struggle she was living?

Betty placed her hand reassuringly on Kate's hip and getting no rejection, she leaned forward once more, daring to murmur, "And I want to know all of them by heart. I want to know _you_ by heart," making Kate shatter and break in turn. Could somebody even _know_ her - and love her truly?

"Betty," Kate breathed wordlessly, a hidden adoration swinging in her tone by the knowledge that Betty at least wanted to try, and she closed her eyes to the hurt. She couldn't do it. It was not possible. She just wanted to shut herself away - vanish and escape from the imminent conversation and realness of it all. Betty was not supposed to say these words. Betty should not be allowed to say any of these words. That scary, anxious feeling that was running around Kate's chest, that made her feel antsy and made her want to jump out of her own skin - that was an indicator for it being wrong. Being scared had to mean that it was wrong and her mind was telling her so, too. It was wrong and still Betty's touch made her body pulse and her heart feel richer and fuller than ever before. It was so tempting – to listen to her body and just give in to that hot tickling breath at her neck and that soft, false-promising voice. But Kate knew better than to let herself be fooled and lulled into a world of milk and honey, because that was not how the world played.

"Kate, don't hide from me again," Betty spoke, moving in closer with her hand slipping to Kate's waist, "... please?" Betty's throat burnt and her eyes were in danger of letting small, wet tears escape as the rawness of the truth spilt from her mouth. "I can't stand it." Betty was barely able to stop herself from burrowing her face into the curve of Kate's neck, beneath her wild, red curls, to breath her in and let that smell take her away to another land of comfort and warmth – a land without worries, but only love. She knew though, that she wasn't in that world and probably never would be and only getting a sniff of it and then having it taken away again ... she wouldn't be able to handle it ...

"Betty ..." Kate repeated, a tone of warning coloring her words this time, as she endured Betty's pieces of love. She wanted nothing more than to keep Betty's arm wound around her, letting her warmth sooth her, but with every word that made her think, she more and more felt the need to push Betty off and break free from the chains that made her feel so ... restricted. She couldn't make any decisions. Betty knew as well as she knew, that this was simply impossible. It just didn't fit in the plan to fit. They had worked at it so hard, they shouldn't, couldn't let it go now – what would happen then, in that scary, judging world? Betty had said she could be safe here. They had agreed. But now it seemed like everything Kate had believed, and so carefully set in place, was in jeopardy.

She had a chance at a great, decent, _normal_ life! Kate really had not meant to let this get out of hand; she only had meant to know and it had seemed to be the perfect point in time. Teresa was gone – so she wouldn't make Betty feel awful, and she still had time until she was going to be married, because if she was married, she never would have done this – that would be a sin, even more so than now. But if one day she really was going to move away with Ivan or have kids or any of those far away things, which were supposed to start happening with their wedding next week, she wanted to know what this was, this thing that made her easily hate any woman that was close to Betty, the thing that had made her easily hate Gladys. She wanted to know if she could have loved Betty if they ever had met at the same place, or she always would have been left wondering, doubting what she had.

It was only supposed to be one kiss - to know, and then unexpectedly Betty had kissed her back. Then out of nowhere, she had lost all control to _really_ wanting to know, and since that damn day she had tasted Betty's lips again, since she had seen her hazel eyes light up in all kinds of new and exciting little ways, since she had experienced what it was like to feel Betty's warmth and smell beneath her, kissing Ivan and experiencing his weight… it just wasn't the same anymore. The little sparkling thrill to do all these things with him, which she hadn't done before, that kept her going, was gone, and what remained was nothing but simple skin touching simple skin, and she couldn't explain to herself why it was that way. Was she meant to live in everlasting sin, because maybe her mother did die because of her? Maybe she was not supposed to fit in. Maybe she was damned to never find peace. Maybe she was cursed to love Betty McCrae. But what kind of curse would that be?

"Please," Betty repeated at Kate's silence, pressing her nose against Kate's shoulder when she couldn't stand it anymore, breathing in her familiar soapy, lavender smell that mixed so nicely with the salt that had transpired from her skin, and Betty couldn't help the tiny flame of hope that still resided in her chest flickering in need to be fed. "Isn't there more?"

Kate trembled. She was not sure which side was up or down anymore. Her heart and body were telling her one thing, her head was telling her another, and she just couldn't distinguish it anymore. She knew that Betty, and this life, was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She knew that during the last hour or so she had experienced the scariest and happiest things she had ever experienced, all at the same time. She knew that she felt the truest to herself when she was alone, or with Betty. And yet she also knew that when she walked out that door, nothing of that would matter anymore. She knew all of that would be gone and she'd feel a certain kind of dead again, because that girl that hoped and dreamed and had that sense of carelessness... she was gone, no matter how desperately she wanted her back. She had left her in that alleyway. In the alley in which she had made her father die after he had shown her what the world was really like - the world was cruel. The world was made out of fathers who lied, abused and oppressed and the only thing she was left with after that day was her ongoing precise, calculating thoughts of how to live her life and survive, because that was the only thing that mattered. She didn't trust – anyone, not Betty - who had been so different when she came back, nor did she trust herself, because who really was who they pretended to be? Kate knew that she was caught up in her own spun web, but what else did she have? In the end her thoughts distressed her and left a bitter burn that made her eyes tear up.

"No!" Betty warned, a flash of worry going through her when she felt Kate tremble against her and recognized the breathing pattern without having to see the other woman's face. "No waterworks. You know I can't deal with that..." Betty pushed herself up and watched a silent tear trickle down Kate's cheek, which caused her own voice to break in sadness, because what did it mean if thinking about them made Kate cry? "Don't cry ..."

Betty's words only caused Kate to tear up more, not knowing how to escape or say what she so desperately needed to say. She'd choke and die on it. It burned in her chest and this situation was just impossible - she was caught in Betty's arms, wanted to be caught in Betty's arms – just a little bit, and yet she was going to be married. She had entered an obligation and here she was throwing away all of that goodness that she had been ready to commit to - only because she was lying in the arms of Betty McCrae!

What was she doing!?

"But everything's to cry for," Kate croaked, experiencing her nakedness once more, Betty's hand resting on her waist, her heart agonizingly beating in her throat, her mind miles away in another impending life that was promising her so much ... happiness, normality – she could see it with Ivan. She didn't exactly know how to behave yet, but she knew she could do it. She didn't feel it, but she could see it right there on the horizon.

"What's going on?" Betty asked with a sense of foreboding, squeezing Kate's arm, wanting to know for Kate's sake, while she really didn't want to know for herself, seeing her heart lying crumpled on the floor already.

Kate stopped and sniffled her nose. Her whirling thoughts made a pause, while she suddenly wondered - Betty had to know, hadn't she? After all, Betty knew her - they had been at this for a year now. Betty knew this kind of thing a hundred times better than her, so surely she had to know. Collecting herself, Kate turned around. She struggled for breath while she searched Betty's eyes. "Can't you see?"

Betty furrowed her brow, a pang of impending finality hitting her, and she shook her head no, though she had the feeling that that was the wrongest thing she could do, because Kate was looking at her as if she expected her to, and if she could not, then Kate would lose every faith in her ... - But how could Betty trust her eyes anymore?

Kate's brow furrowed in return and suddenly she recognized something that she hadn't recognized before. Betty was not sure, just like she had not been sure - about her feelings, about Betty's - when she had come home all those months ago. What if Betty really couldn't see and that was the reason why they were here? Kate always had thought that Betty knew - knew what she was doing, and that there was a reason to everything. But if Betty really couldn't see ... ?

Getting a whit of new understanding, Kate swallowed, seeing herself suddenly standing in front of a wild field of possibilities, instead of just the one crossroad with two options. It wasn't about her deciding for someone, it was about her doing – doing, voicing, changing something. She was the master of her life - no one else. Betty hadn't acted, because she didn't give her a reason to act.

Betty didn't know.

Suddenly overcome by a wave of need to make Betty understand, Kate let go. She needed Betty to understand, because she had never meant her to doubt and if she wouldn't do it now, when would she ever do it then? With her mouth dry, blood rushing in her ears, Kate said something that she was barely able to grasp in its complexity: "I love you."

The words escaped Kate's mouth and she wasn't sure if she had actually been the one who had said them, but with having them float out there in the world now, she was on a cliff and she rather wanted to die than to breath another second and come to understand that Betty didn't or that thunder would strike and take her to hell. She really didn't want to find out that the world was against her, and she never had been scared in the way that she was scared right now – like eventually losing a part of herself. With saying it out loud, she gave herself up. It was like signing herself off for good. She was officially lost and dead now.

What Kate hadn't expected to happen, if she even had expected anything at all, besides the earth possibly opening up a hell-mouth right beneath her, was that nothing happened; nothing except the tears, that made the hazel in front of her shimmer, as they filled Betty's perplexed eyes.


	4. Power and Control

**Creating more Scars - Part 4:**

"I love you."

Betty's heart stuttered, Kate's confession tripping it up and making it beat out of tact. Betty was not sure if she had just slipped into a parallel world, because it damn well felt that way, but then again here she was. She could still feel the skin of Kate's stomach rubbing against her lower arm by every breath the redhead took in, the room's cool air still left a chill on her back, and Kate's eyes looked at her like they never had before, if still in that helpless puppy-way. Betty swallowed, not able to fathom it. The only thing left in her head to say, "You mean it?"

Relief washed over Kate's inner trembling when she heard Betty's voice - if still it held doubt and was full of restraint, it meant the world did keep turning, and it made Kate brave enough to allow herself to venture further on that path of possible truth that made her feel like she was living on the edge – the edge of falling, of glory, of a heart attack, she was not sure yet. "Sometimes it's the only thing I know ..."

"Oh, Kate," Betty breathed. Betty's heart filled with warmth as she braved to believe the words she so desperately had needed to hear - not only for her heart, but for her sanity, too. Her fingers were quick when they reached to cup Kate's cheek, but before a smile could sneak its way properly onto her lips, her mind caught up and her face fell with realization.

"Oh, Kate ... you dumb-ass." Betty's hand slipped from Kate's face. The whole time they had danced? The ways Kate had chosen? What had they gone through and what were they standing in front of now? And when did Kate decide to tell her? Now when she was going to be married? When there was little chance? If Kate even wanted one…

A shadow began to mantle Betty's face.

Kate froze - that one moment of bliss being gone. She could see the hurt playing over Betty's - having turned tired looking - face and from one moment to the next everything felt unstable again and the only thing that Kate felt was left to say was, "I'm sorry." Because apparently she had wronged yet another person.

"Yes," Betty nodded and let herself slowly roll onto her back, letting the air puff out of her lungs before she stared at the ceiling, in order to process the situation they were in now instead of the one they could have been in if Kate had been able to voice this sooner. "Yes, me, too."

Kate bit her lip, not sure what someone was supposed to do in a situation like this. Was Betty angry now? Disappointed? After a moment of watching the blonde, Kate decided to do what Betty did - she looked up at the ceiling and exhaled shakily, letting time do its work while thoughts floated through, and she was surprised to find a little piece of balance in her chest.

She didn't regret. The way Betty had looked at her for just that moment, as if she had deeply touched her, it had felt like everything in the world might be right. And for no other reason than for being able to hold that moment in her memory, it had been worth it. She wasn't sure what it meant, but it had meant _something_.

Breathing deeply, tears suddenly came to Kate's eyes and she covered her face with one hand to keep quiet, as she noticed how much pressure fell slowly off of her with each breath. She had said something she was really feeling, she was still living and Betty was still somewhat with her.

Kate felt lighter, and realized that she wasn't losing, but rather gaining a part of herself just now, and even if it would go wrong with Betty and she married Ivan, at least she had that. After seconds or minutes or hours of lying in silence had passed, there was only one thing that kept occupying her mind - where were they going from here - were they okay?

Kate wiped at her eyes and calmed her breathing to not alert Betty, while she peeked over to the blonde, who was still lying on her back and looking at the ceiling.

Lying like this, Kate felt they were in a bubble in which nothing and possibly everything existed at the same time, and while that was nice for now, she knew that wouldn't be possible forever. Only Betty could tell her what was going to happen. So, unsure if she was ready to burst the bubble of foreboding possibilities yet, Kate finally asked, "Betty?"

Betty tightened her jaw upon hearing her name rolling off Kate's tongue like it was understood that she had all the answers. Betty had almost managed to forget that Kate was still there, getting lost in her own thoughts of how things had gone and where she was at now, but with her name dropping from Kate's mouth, she felt like the weight of the world was being placed back upon her shoulders.

Of course, she should be ecstatic about what Kate had told her. It was everything she had hoped for. But getting what you want is a completely different thing from dreaming about what you want, because suddenly there are consequences – so many consequences…

Feeling a rush of cold overcome her, overwhelmed by the pressure of what her next actions could mean for the both of them, no matter what they were, Betty sat up and pushed herself out of bed, her hands shaking as she first reached for a cigarette and then for the lighter. The cigarette lit and she took a deep drag in to let the smoke fill her lungs and slow her thoughts before she stood up and reached for Kate's robe to cover herself, as it was the next best thing within her reach.

The words Kate had said - no matter how much happiness they could mean for Betty and how many colorful, love-filled pictures she could paint in her head for their future, they still meant one thing – they ruined Kate's life. If she went ahead and accepted them, if she let Kate walk into this, then she'd be responsible for that. Kate deserved better than this life. Kate should not choose her life.

When Betty got up to pace around the room, Kate sat up against the headboard, abandoned in a pile of sheets. Being made insecure, she tightly covered herself with the blanket, knees tucked up under her chin while she nervously watched Betty, who hadn't said a word, making her think that she really had angered her, even though that had been the last thing she'd meant to do.

Kate's eyes followed Betty's way around the room while the blonde drew one long drag after another from her quickly dissipating cigarette, and it made Kate more and more nervous to get Betty's attention back in order to find out what was moving her.

Kate called Betty's name once more, but didn't get a reaction yet again.

Betty took another turn. Teresa had said that people like them, they just have it in them, it's a part of them and that their whole life they always somehow know and feel that they are different, and Betty had been able to agree, but was it like that for Kate? Had she known all the time? Or was it a switch? She had never looked twice when the girls talked about boys. She had never screwed up her mouth. Maybe she was able to choose somehow. For Kate this was ... for Kate this was ... - Betty stopped in front of her bedside table - ... a game? Her finished cigarette hung loosely from her lips while she did not know and wasn't able to figure it out.

"Betty, ..." Kate said hopeful now that Betty was standing next to her. She looked up at her, but the blonde seemed still deaf to her, because she stubbed out the first cigarette and reached for the second, her hands still visibly shaking.

Kate had enough of this uncertainty though. Anger bubbling up about being ignored, she reached out to place her hand on top of Betty's on the pack of cigarettes, denying her another, while calling out, "Betty!"

Betty winced at the stern tone, but was quick to stand up to it, determined not to let Kate come to hold all the ropes again - like she certainly had done over the last year. "Kate," she said just as sternly and slipped her hand out from under Kate's to throw it in the air. "How should _I _know what to do?"

It was Kate's turn to shrink and she lowered her eyes, slowly realizing that she shouldn't put it all on Betty. But still, she felt done wrong by and finally, looking up, said in a weird mix of obedient question and fierily demand, "Treat me right?"

Betty's eyes widened with Kate's words and she really wished she had a second cigarette already lit, because she certainly never had been in a more bizarre situation than this. Kate was cheating with her on Ivan, and she should treat _her_ right? "Excuse me?"

"I just said that ... " Meekly, Kate looked left and right, as if there were people in the room who would listen, beside the ones who were probably out there behind the walls, slowly coming back from the movies.

Kate lowered her voice to a whisper while she quoted, "'I love you'," before raising her voice to a normal volume again and continuing, "and you ... you're doing that." Vaguely Kate pointed to the place Betty had paced before.

For a moment Betty stood, mouth open, in front of Kate. Yeah, she had been right in her thought that Kate was asking her to be treated like … a lady? And, thinking about it, Betty did get it - who wouldn't want that, if they said those words - for possibly the first time - making themselves vulnerable? Betty could see herself acting like a jerk here, but … she had feelings, too, and there were things she had to think about!

Still, Kate's words took every bit of energy out of Betty as she saw the complexity of the situation once more. She sank down on the bed next to Kate, looking to the carpeted floor, while she ruffled her blonde hair and mumbled, "Rich …" She could still remember the emotional slap that Kate had given her once she had said those words. "… coming from you."

Kate's mouth screwed up, the comment digging deeper than she liked, so that she slid down the headboard, grabbed the blanket, keeping it tightly wound around herself, and rolled away onto her side. She closed her eyes and exhaled a shaking breath. She knew she had done wrong then, but still, Betty had to know that that was a completely different situation. She hadn't known. She hadn't even thought about it in that way up until that point. How had she been supposed to know how to react then?

After a moment of silence Kate admonished, "This hasn't been easy for me either ..."

"I know." Betty sighed frustrated and rubbed her face. "Look, I'm sorry, I - ... I just – I ..." She shook her head and stopped her mouth from forming erratic, useless words, because she couldn't form the mountains of thoughts in her head into proper sentences anyway. So, throwing away her thoughts, Betty decided to lean onto her elbows behind Kate and ask what really mattered once more.

"You mean it?"


	5. Creating More Scars

**Creating More Scars - Part 5**

"You mean it?"

Kate could feel how Betty moved closer and was hovering somewhere near her upper back; Betty doing that, felt the same way as her feelings closing in on her, not giving her any room for loop holes anymore. But, right now, Kate did not even want a loophole; she just didn't want to say anything wrong. She only wanted to say things that were right and true. She knew she was dancing on a thin line of ice and she rather not wanted to screw this up yet again by hurting Betty in any way. So that to make sure what her feelings should contain, she asked, "How?"

Betty hesitated - not sure how. What did she mean 'how'? Either she meant it, or not, but then again, what did she want it to mean? Betty let her eyes stray, working out pictures in her head and heart. If anything she wanted the real thing, and only that would please her in Kate's case and eventually make her believe in the sincerity of Kate's words. So, well aware of the risk, she said, staking it high, "In … in a house… maybe forever."

Kate slowly took that in, accepted it and closed her eyes, pulling her lips into her mouth, while she imagined a house and Betty and her living in it. Yeah, she could see that. They would be happy and they would trust each other and they would listen to music and be comfortable and have no care in the world. She could not only see… she could feel that. For this moment she wanted to feel that. She would have to leave Ivan, but - …

Kate stopped. The thought made fear creep back up her throat and another picture invaded her mind, pushing the house and the white-picket fence away. She opened her eyes and felt it in her chest. It could mean she'd be alone. She'd do it and she'd end up completely alone. Kate was able to remember how scary and irritating that had felt. "If you never leave me again."

Betty frowned and pushed herself up in protest. "I never left you, Kate."

"Right," Kate nodded, remembering that Betty always had been there, but it had felt like she had not always been with her and she realized once again that that was probably different from Betty's point of view, so that she bit her lip and said, "It just felt that way..."

Betty's eyes shifted back and forth, still somewhat offended, trying to figure out what Kate meant. Ivan? Teresa? But that was … "I thought that was the way you wanted it – me not wanting you."

Kate laughed. She knew it was bitter, but she couldn't stop it. "Yeah, me, too. But ... - "

Kate turned around and Betty spotted Kate's held-back tears and how there was so much in her eyes that she was miles away from knowing and understanding. Betty always knew that Kate was an enigma. She had realized that Kate made it easy to project all the things you wanted to on her. She had been caught in that trap and Ivan surely was caught in that trap now. Kate's father at the last had especially been caught up in that trap until Kate had ... 'spoken up', until she had defended herself and shown him who she really was, and if this now was her starting to show her who she really was, then ... Betty was not sure she was prepared.

"I just... " Kate reached out to Betty, tentatively, as if she had never touched her before and smoothed her thumb over her soft cheek, amazed of being strong enough to do so. " I just want you with me," she said, looking up into Betty's eyes. "The thought of … going away … and … never seeing you again…" Kate swallowed and fell silent. She hadn't told Betty yet that Ivan wanted them to go away to Winnipeg and the thought of telling her still did not sit right with her.

"You're going away?" Betty asked in surprise, that feeling of terror that always surfaced when Kate implied that she was leaving popping up in her chest again.

"No," Kate said quickly, shaking her head, before taking her hand away from Betty's cheek and compromising her lie to an, "I don't know." She sighed, struggling, and took Betty's hands into her own, drawing them up to her chest before looking up at Betty again and saying, "I want to be with you."

"Well, … " Betty ventured and before she could stop herself, she smiled - against her better judgment, deciding to ignore whatever it was that Kate had just let slip for the moment, because it wasn't like they had not enough troubles as it was, and if she wouldn't meet Kate somewhere halfway, then … well. Her lip twitched. " … that could be done."

Betty searched Kate's eyes, having to find out if Kate meant it, waiting to see a sign that said that Kate did not want that. But since she only found a glimmer of hope in them instead, which made her experience a fuzzy wave of reassurance, she slowly leaned forward and waited, letting their breath play against each other, checking Kate's face, her grey anticipating eyes gazing at her lips, looking more blue than grey today, before leaning forward again until it wasn't just her and she caught Kate's lips between her own.

Betty felt breathless with the first contact. They had kissed tonight. But this kiss began to feel different. This kiss was her kissing a woman who she was starting to believe loved her – maybe in some weird complicated way, but still she knew she loved her - when before she was only kissing a woman … a friend, who came to her out of struggle for some kind of escape, for some kind of experiment or comfort, but Kate actually loved her now and letting herself fall into that love … it was so much better than the constant fearful beat of her heart, reminding her with every thump that whatever she felt now was only for the moment and that all of that would be gone again in less than an hour. Betty knew that this kiss didn't mean anything for the future yet, but it meant everything for the now - and she loved it.

"That would be nice," Kate said dreamy once they broke apart. Having seen this kiss coming, with enough time to prepare, Kate had reached to capture Betty's face in her hands and let herself fully commit to the kiss, following the wild, whirling feelings that streamed through her, and listening to their advice to lean forward and recapture Betty's lips as soon as they even began to form the idea to pull away, because this kiss meant the world. Kate knew that this did not mean that they were together, which rather calmed her, but it meant that they cared for each other, it meant that they loved spending time with each other and the longer and more often they kissed, Kate realized she loved when they spent time kissing each other. To forever just kiss each other and get lost in each others' warmth and the feeling of being safe and having nowhere else to go, that would be nice.

Betty nodded in agreement and liked how Kate threaded her fingers through her blonde hair, stroked her scalp, and placed one of her strands back behind her ear. Kate did it with so much care, her eyes looking far away as if being in another world, while she watched her fingers doings. Their other world. It made a lump form in Betty's throat. What if she could always have this? If Kate didn't have to look like she was day-dreaming, but rather it was the actual truth. Betty leaned forward once more, not being ready to let the moment of bliss go, and nudged Kate's chin up with her nose to burrow her face into Kate's neck, placing a small kiss there.

Betty searched for comfort and breathed in. She let the lavender smell tumble her feelings completely around again, making her unsure if she was ever more torn and happy at the same time as she was at this moment. She had everything now and could have nothing in the next moment. Pressing her lips firmly to Kate's skin, she decided though, that it was no use without her being all in. She had to take the fall and entrusted herself to Kate once more by saying, "I love you, too."

Kate gasped, surprise running across her skin. She had not realized that that was the one thing that she had been missing. Her heart fluttered, feeling more safe, but she couldn't enjoy it, because if she was not mistaken, then she felt not only Betty's warm cheek, but also her wet tears against her neck, and it made her choke, not sure how to handle it.

Kate bit her lip, coming back to reality from their short lived trip into carelessness. She stroked across Betty's back, thinking about how it was not easy for Betty either. This uncertainty hurt Betty, just as much as it was hurting her. Betty was not sure, Kate reminded herself. Betty didn't have all the answers. There actually were no answers, there was just trying, and she wanted to try - to try and handle this correctly.

Kate turned her head to the side, placing a kiss on Betty's shoulder, thinking about all the risks and chances Betty had taken for her and how she had paid her for them, how she had hurt her along the way, and she finally murmured the only true and reassuring thing that she could. "Your scars are safe with me, too. I promise."

Betty's breath escaped her and she closed her eyes. She knew what that meant. Kate would keep her secrets, keep her safe, but everything else … - How could Kate just always make her feel so weak? Betty sniffed and pressed her forehead against Kate's jaw. "Don't use me."

Kate sighed and held Betty just that little bit tighter. She couldn't understand how Betty kept thinking that of her. Never had she done anything to use her or out of bad intent. Still, knowing it was Betty's belief, she offered, "I never mean to."

"You're only hurting all of us," Betty spoke, hoping that Kate would finally see what kind of widely and ramified impact her actions were having. She couldn't go through life, always thinking that things only just happened _to_ her. She was happening to them just as much.

"I know, " Kate said pensively, stroking blonde hair, while she looked over Betty's shoulder, up and off to the ceiling, away into the dark, unknown future, seeing it play out in front of her mind's eye already. "More scars..."

Betty pushed herself up and Kate reached out to swipe Betty's tears away.

Betty let it happen, the touch being nice, but she quickly shut it away from touching her feelings, because in this moment, she realized, she had never thought of Kate fully knowing what she was doing. But if Kate actually knew what she was doing and controlled it, then ... what was she doing? And what was she capable of?

"You feel good," Kate smiled up to her and curiously let her eyes wander from Betty's eyes to her breasts, to her stomach that pressed up against her own and back up, and she realized she was not ready to let all of that go yet by having to go to her own room in a bit.

Kate grasped the collar of her coral robe that Betty was still wearing, and experimentally pulled the blonde firmer against herself. She really wanted to stay. Getting a new idea, her expression a bit like when she first realized that she could have bubbly whenever Gladys was around, she asked, "Can we sleep like this?"

Still not entirely sure who she was with, Betty didn't answer. She wasn't sure what to answer anyway. There were a hundred reasons to say no. And when she apparently had waited for too long, Kate took it as a yes, because she rolled over and took Betty's hand with her, securing it tightly around her waist. "You're really good to me, Betty."

Betty pressed her lips together, not knowing what she was supposed to do with that.

"You're gonna break my heart, Kate Andrews," she finally settled to say, when she tried to get comfortable behind Kate. If this was all she was getting, then she would take it. "You're gonna do it again. I can feel it."

"No," Kate said. She was seeing where Betty was coming from, because when she thought about walking out of that door, she still was not sure what would happen either, but this was certainly something she could not say. "How can you, if I don't even know?"

At this moment, Kate thought, she just needed a chance to figure it out. She didn't know what would happen. The only thing she did know, though, was that since she had laid it out there, she felt more in control. She was kind of fine with herself for tonight.

"And … " Kate continued, opening her eyes when her thoughts drifted back to the feeling of being left behind, Betty turning her back on her for Gladys, or some other Ivan, or Teresa, or anybody else, "How about you breaking mine?"

Betty's mouth opened before she closed it again. Not sure what she was supposed to say to that, because the chance of that happening seemed pretty slim to her. She felt hers already breaking.

"Let's sleep now," Kate said, before Betty could answer, feeling the ever present conflict of different wants and needs and musts well back up inside of her. "I'm tired of thinking."

"You don't have that much time to think left," Betty said before she could stop herself, wanting to punch herself for yet again being in the situation that Kate was in control of what would happen.

"Yeah," Kate breathed and closed her eyes. She wanted to add 'I know', thinking about the wedding, but suddenly realized that that eventually wasn't what Betty had meant. Maybe she had meant herself, not Ivan, so Kate said, "Okay," and pulled Betty's hand up to her mouth, placing a small kiss on it.

"Will you talk to me?" Betty questioned, while she felt Kate's soft lips dust that promise onto the back of her hand. She was not ready to let this go yet. She had to have something here.

"Mhm,..." Kate murmured, hoping so for herself.

"Because you gotta … to make it work," Betty explained.

"Work, …" Kate repeated in a faint breath before all of the air left her lungs in a yawn. "Yeah …"

Betty waited for more, but nothing came and in the end she was not sure if Kate just pretended to be asleep to not have to talk anymore or if she really did fall asleep.

After another moment had passed, Betty turned over to her bedside table and lit that second cigarette. She watched the grey smoke rise up in the air with her thoughts, pondering about when it would be a good time to wake Kate and make her go to her room unnoticed, while Kate lay turned away at her side, longing for Betty's touch to come back and wishing for an easier world.

* * *

**Authors Note:**  
That was it. I think it is best to read it in one go, so if you can stand it: reread it ;D  
In any case, thank you for your time, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you to everyone who left/leaves some thoughts. It's always interesting and it's what keeps everyone going.

Have a good day,  
Lied


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